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Below, piles of e-jetsam and e-flotsam, in memory of days gone by. Or, perhaps, just piles. If you've contributions for this page, send them to MABeaumont@aol.com, who reserves the right to ignore anything you send if he's heard it before. And you'll understand that you'll have to save the really unprintable stuff for the reunions! We do fly the flag ...
Victor Hughes has forwarded this letter for your interest:
Dear Mr Hughes,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to
answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in
order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be
referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have
always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily
through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I
have naturally not seen the other letters to
which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper
councils,Lombardy pirate banking houses and
pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next
to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at
best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is
unlikely that the senders of these letters do see
you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More
likely they see you as a citizen of Great
Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as
a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go
to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public
Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought
to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to
"stump up for the whole damned party"
yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of
the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful,
are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is
spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade
of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even
if the Personal Allowance didn't render it
irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the
other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India"
you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations
Colin Billimore has been kind enough to send us some international Health and Safety updates. You can't be too careful...
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck,
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... Kiss me, Hardy."
One can only hope that, were the esteemed Horatio alive today, he would not sign on with a certain Singaporean shipping company...
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling
about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on
top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a
supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the
cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called
a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make brass "Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the
brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression,
didn't you?)
As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can't find
a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
The patient replied, "In that case I'll come back when you're sober!"
Here's one you'd pay the agent to keep quiet about. Review this film clip to find out who put the 'W' before anchor ...
(Bit of a download, this one, at 930KB ... not for the faint-farted, but if you have the patience it's worth every moment.)
Talking of agents ... this one from an Oz member:
A Master is said to be a man who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
An Engineer, on the other hand, is a man who knows very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
An Agent starts out knowing practically everything about everything but winds up knowing nothing about anything due to his association with Masters and Engineers.
(Source: Wallem Fleet News. Couldn't be CNCo, obviously)
One of our gallant crew has contributed the following for our edification.
Ex-sailors who miss the "good old days" may appreciate these suggestions for simulating onboard life:
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife open the curtain, shine flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
5. When you take showers, shut off the water while soaping.
6. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to 'High'.
8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. (Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for the proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure that the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbors house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and use it only once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jam sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: canned ravioli or cold soup).
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your pantry or refrigerator.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
19. Install a fluorescent light on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the threshold and lower the top sills on your doorways so that you either trip or hit your head every time you pass through one of them.
21. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
22. When making a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it's baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery".
24. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place 'Stowed for Sea'.
25. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say, to nobody in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular, "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones cord and put them away.
Beer, that magnificent amber fluid that stirs the heart but rarely anything lower, figures largely in our mammaries. Remember this girl? (Oh yes you do ... Ed.)
Another member has submitted these quotes for posterity:
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
- Anonymous
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
- Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henry Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I don't think so.
- Stephen Wright
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan
And from your own web-brat, source unknown:
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About six beers.
- Dark Moment
Beer ... so much more than just a breakfast drink.
- Dark Moment
Beer ... helping ugly people have sex since 1852.
- Dark Moment
Remember that girl in every port? And how you wooed her? We are reminded of how we used to court the lasses of the world by another reminiscing "old fart":
English ..... I Love You
Spanish .... Te Amo
French ...... Je T'aime
German .... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese .. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ....... Ti Amo
Chinese .... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish ... Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo ..... Nagligivaget
Greek ....... S'Agapo
Hawaiian ... Aloha Wau Ia Oe
Irish .......... Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew ..... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian .... Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian ... Une Te Dua
Finnish ..... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish ..... Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian . Se Ret Lay
Persian ..... Du Stet Daram
Maltese .... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan ..... Testimo Molt
American .... Hey, Nice Tits!
Australian ... Do Ya?
Kiwi ............ I Love Ewe
Talking of party animals ...
 
Here's one from a member who's "madder-than-ye" that's worth inclusion here ...
Cornwall, The Lord's Creation
In the beginning the Lord God Almighty turned to his best friend the Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Gabriel, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth and I shall call it 'Cornwall'
I will make a country of breath-taking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful hills, which from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear, swift flowing rivers overflowing with salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people can raise cattle and grow their food.
The land will be extremely rich with precious metals and stones that will be much sought after all over the world. Underneath this land I shall lay rich seams of china clay for the inhabitants to quarry. Around its coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world, white sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manners of wildlife, and offshore islands that will be like paradise to all who visit them. In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of sea-life.
The people who live there will be called the 'Cornish' and they will be the friendliest people on earth."
"Excuse me, Lord" interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "don't you think you are being a little too generous to these 'Cornish'?"
"Not a bit of it", replied the Lord, "Wait until you see the bastards I'm giving them for neighbours."
Enough for now. All further contributions welcome, although we try to keep on topic. Sort of.
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